Turning 30 and Feeling...Unaccomplished

Anyone out there turning 30 and feeling...unaccomplished?

Anyone have a picture of what their life would look like at 30 and feel like they are coming up short?

My name is Elle and I am very fortunate. I have a great husband, Jay, who supports me while I work full-time and attend grad school. I have a beautiful baby boy, B, that lights up my life every second of every day. I have a teenage stepson, TJ, that (gasp!) actually likes to hang out with his parents and baby brother! My children and my husband and our families and friends are all healthy and employed. I am employed and Jay is employed. I have health insurance. I have (had) a 401K. In many ways, I am living a charmed life, and for that I am grateful.

But.

I feel an overwhelming sense of frustration for where I am at 30. And I feel guilty because I know how good I do have it. Let me explain.

In my mid-20's, I became widowed and lost the first love of my life. Kirby was my high-school sweetheart...we grew up together and built a life together. We fought cancer together for several years, and eventually, I lost him. Another anniversary is fast-approaching and I feel regret for losing touch with his family and friends, but it was too hard to live in the grief that overwhelmed me...I couldn't move forward and rebuild and regroup without Kirby if I stayed in that environment. I think of Kirby every day and remember the good times and the bad, and I miss him every day, but I also thank God for giving him to me for the years that he did and appreciate where I am at today, with a new husband and a family.

Again, God blessed me and sent Jay into my life, along with TJ. We have had our normal ups and downs with job searches and moving, a couple times, but have settled into our new home and have a life full of laughter and love.

When Jay and I decided to try to have a baby, we couldn't get pregnant. We saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist and were again very blessed to conceive B through in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and fulfill our dreams of parenthood. We have since tried for a 2nd baby without luck and don't know if we want to finance $10,000-15,000 to try again. I lost my job due to corporate downsizing, found employment at a new company, had a less-than-professional manager, and quickly found employment at a new company. This company promised promotions quickly, but my manager is moving on and his position will go unfilled, whihc is understandable, but my current position is less-difficult than the one I held right out of college! So where does this leave me? And every time I offer suggestions, I get pooh-poohed...the good old boys club is still thriving!

So why am I having an early mid-life crisis on the cusp of turning 30?

Well, here is my mental picture of what 30 was going to look like:
1. My personal life would include a loving, supportive husband. Check (I have been doubly blessed in this department)
2. My husband and I would have two to four babies and be finished with trying to get pregnant at this point.
3. My career would be more advanced and I would be a valued member of my organization and I would be earning a higher salary than what I am currently earning.
4. I would have my masters or at least be in progress. Check
5. Besides parenthood, I would be serving some greater-purpose in life, whether serving on the board of a non-profit or establishing a non-profit for young adults with lymphoma (in honor of Kirby) or for empowering women.
6. I would have a friendship with my parents, instead of drama over everything!
7. I would have traveled to Europe.
8. I would have a kick-ass group of girlfriends that got together once every couple weeks for drinks.
9. My body would be in better shape, not only weight-wise but strength and tone.
10. I would learn to be less of a control freak and learn to let go and trust that everything will be okay...it always has.

Sigh. Please don't offer "poor me" replies. I know I have a good life. I have had very dark days so I do appreciate what I have. I am looking for people turning 30 (or 40 or 50) who can relate to this early mid-life crisis feeling.

And, really, I am writing this blog for ME. For me to make my goals public and make them real and force me to check off my list. For me to better understand myself.

Thank you for letting me introduce myself and I look forward to getting to know others.