Anyone out there turning 30 and feeling...unaccomplished?
Anyone have a picture of what their life would look like at 30 and feel like they are coming up short?
My name is Elle and I am very fortunate. I have a great husband, Jay, who supports me while I work full-time and attend grad school. I have a beautiful baby boy, B, that lights up my life every second of every day. I have a teenage stepson, TJ, that (gasp!) actually likes to hang out with his parents and baby brother! My children and my husband and our families and friends are all healthy and employed. I am employed and Jay is employed. I have health insurance. I have (had) a 401K. In many ways, I am living a charmed life, and for that I am grateful.
But.
I feel an overwhelming sense of frustration for where I am at 30. And I feel guilty because I know how good I do have it. Let me explain.
In my mid-20's, I became widowed and lost the first love of my life. Kirby was my high-school sweetheart...we grew up together and built a life together. We fought cancer together for several years, and eventually, I lost him. Another anniversary is fast-approaching and I feel regret for losing touch with his family and friends, but it was too hard to live in the grief that overwhelmed me...I couldn't move forward and rebuild and regroup without Kirby if I stayed in that environment. I think of Kirby every day and remember the good times and the bad, and I miss him every day, but I also thank God for giving him to me for the years that he did and appreciate where I am at today, with a new husband and a family.
Again, God blessed me and sent Jay into my life, along with TJ. We have had our normal ups and downs with job searches and moving, a couple times, but have settled into our new home and have a life full of laughter and love.
When Jay and I decided to try to have a baby, we couldn't get pregnant. We saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist and were again very blessed to conceive B through in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and fulfill our dreams of parenthood. We have since tried for a 2nd baby without luck and don't know if we want to finance $10,000-15,000 to try again. I lost my job due to corporate downsizing, found employment at a new company, had a less-than-professional manager, and quickly found employment at a new company. This company promised promotions quickly, but my manager is moving on and his position will go unfilled, whihc is understandable, but my current position is less-difficult than the one I held right out of college! So where does this leave me? And every time I offer suggestions, I get pooh-poohed...the good old boys club is still thriving!
So why am I having an early mid-life crisis on the cusp of turning 30?
Well, here is my mental picture of what 30 was going to look like:
1. My personal life would include a loving, supportive husband. Check (I have been doubly blessed in this department)
2. My husband and I would have two to four babies and be finished with trying to get pregnant at this point.
3. My career would be more advanced and I would be a valued member of my organization and I would be earning a higher salary than what I am currently earning.
4. I would have my masters or at least be in progress. Check
5. Besides parenthood, I would be serving some greater-purpose in life, whether serving on the board of a non-profit or establishing a non-profit for young adults with lymphoma (in honor of Kirby) or for empowering women.
6. I would have a friendship with my parents, instead of drama over everything!
7. I would have traveled to Europe.
8. I would have a kick-ass group of girlfriends that got together once every couple weeks for drinks.
9. My body would be in better shape, not only weight-wise but strength and tone.
10. I would learn to be less of a control freak and learn to let go and trust that everything will be okay...it always has.
Sigh. Please don't offer "poor me" replies. I know I have a good life. I have had very dark days so I do appreciate what I have. I am looking for people turning 30 (or 40 or 50) who can relate to this early mid-life crisis feeling.
And, really, I am writing this blog for ME. For me to make my goals public and make them real and force me to check off my list. For me to better understand myself.
Thank you for letting me introduce myself and I look forward to getting to know others.
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I feel the same way however, I am 28 and I don't have kids. I'm still finishing my BA and I live with my Mom and Grandmother. I feel like such a failure and I know there's no use in feeling sorry for myself but it's starting to hit me hard now that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up and it is down the street from where I live. I don't know how to offer you advice to be honest because I see you as being more successful and put together than myself. All I can offer is to remind you to be grateful for what you do already have and try not to compare to others or even to your own ideas of where you should be. I'd love to take my own advice but with how I am feeling about everything lately, it's just not going to happen. I do hope you feel better about this... I see this is from 4 years ago so I'm hopeful this has passed for you.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, your life sounds like a dream to me. I'd feel very accomplished if I were in your shoes. The things on your list that aren't ticked off yet seem like the icing on an already tasty cake. Honestly, I think it's the fact you're hitting 30 that makes you freak out rather than what you haven't accomplished.
ReplyDelete30 is that age where people think they're officially not young anymore, the age where doing stupid things is out of the question, the age where they should have everything lined up the way they envisioned. Thing is, everyone moves at their own pace and sometimes life throws you a curveball.
I'm 25 and I'm single (bf cheated on me), I've got two degrees, but no job and I had to move back to my parents' home because I couldn't afford the rent of my tiny apartment anymore. My mom is very ill and my dad has been unemployed for 3 years, and a heart patient. He gets turned down every time. I just loaned him $4000 to help make ends meet and pay for my moms care. I'm going to join the military because they're one of the few hiring. Anyway, I'm not trying to turn this into a boohoo-look-at-me story, I'm just trying to show you that despite my best efforts, I haven't been able to tick off any of my accomplishment boxes. Well, except maybe physical fitness. I've been able to keep up with that (have to if I want to be in the military). But that's it. Sometimes I wish I was 18 again, fresh out of high school, with everything still in front of me. But I'm just getting older thinking this, so I try to focus on the here and now.
Sometimes, you just have to accept that you can't control everything and just try to make the best of it. 30 is a beautiful age, being where you are. I hope you may be able to cherish it more.
I know this was written several years ago, but I needed this tonight. I'm turning 30 next summer and feels like so much has gone wrong, and not one thing has turned out like I thought it would. I get that it's a thing called life. Though it's been a few years, thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteI know this was written several years ago, but I needed this tonight. I'm turning 30 next summer and feels like so much has gone wrong, and not one thing has turned out like I thought it would. I get that it's a thing called life. Though it's been a few years, thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteI know this was written several years ago, but I needed this tonight. I'm turning 30 next summer and feels like so much has gone wrong, and not one thing has turned out like I thought it would. I get that it's a thing called life. Though it's been a few years, thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone.
ReplyDelete